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| screenshot--credit_Yuang Xu |
With the help of the precious and Holy Spirit, I put
together a little heartfelt package to inspire, encourage and help others, God
willing. It reflects where I’ve been spiritually, fighting hard – alone with
Jesus. It is good to have a friend or two who understand, but Jesus is the friend
we ALL need. He never wearies or tires of us…unless we are ungrateful
complainers or worse.
Even then, He will draw us to steer us toward repentance
so that He can forgive us. However, He never forces anyone, and He will not
contend forever.
When darkness surrounds the soul, there is a silent
knowing that other brethren are going through the same thing. It doesn’t need
to be spoken, but it does help to talk things out. Sometimes everyone needs
comfort, needs to be heard, needs to be understood.
We are in a real war, and the enemy is relentless. His
fury is immeasurable; his hatred is bloodthirsty and insatiable. Yet, we have
an Advocate who has overcome the enemy and has overcome the world [Jn 16:33] We
all long for the days that this spiritual warfare with Satan/Lucifer and his
legions is finally over. Christ is the Victor.
We are one ‘Body’ in Christ Jesus/Yeshua, who is the
Head. The Body cannot exist or live without the Head – how beautiful and wise
are the ways of the Lord.
A Raging Battle
I was looking for a song, one of the old-fashioned hymns,
like the Old Rugged Cross, or It Is Well (With My Soul).
There was a need to worship the Lord through music, and to focus upon Him. I
wanted my heart to be grateful, not wallowing in self-pity. Amazing Grace popped
up, a classic. However, just before I clicked on the familiar original version,
an extended title caught my eye. “Amazing Grace Fell Like Rain” –
intriguing.
I searched out the title and lyrics on Google, and in
truth, I could easily have echoed the words for what I have been struggling
with these past several months. How many times does one go through a dark night
of the soul. I reckon it depends on the soul, depends on the number of times a
tragedy in life has struck, or a spiritual crisis has taken place. It depends
on several factors.
Now for a true confession. Depression is something I have
fought for a long time, off and on throughout my life, but now there is Jesus.
My Saviour makes all things bearable. I can run to Him with all my cares,
concerns, hurts, frustrations, anger – everything.
The garment of praise is worn for the spirit of
heaviness, yet like a trustworthy boomerang, and for reasons unknown,
depression returns. Praise Jesus for His patience, understanding, and for being
a solid Rock.
Despite the heaviness, there truly is a deep peace and an
untouchable inner joy knowing Jesus and abiding in Him, clinging to Him like
healthy grapes cling to a strong vine. He truly is an unexplainable strength,
wholly reliable. He is our hope, our strong tower, our shield. He is everything
good, pure and holy.
The name of the Lord [Adonai] is a strong tower; the
righteous run into it and is safe. [Prov 18:10]
The lyrics that will be posted further below summed up a
fair chunk of what has been going on within me, deep below the surface (or
perhaps, not so deep), behind the sometimes-pasted smile and sometimes forced
lighthearted-sounding words. I must say that I am extremely grateful to have a
good friend in the flesh…two good friends, sisters in Christ.
Yet in the Spirit, Jesus is the best friend of anyone who
will draw close and abide in Him (be one in Him, and He will be one in you),
just as Jesus/Yeshua was in the Father, and Abba (the Father) was in
Christ Jesus.
We Must Learn to Trust
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| Jesus is LORD Of the battle |
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and
lean not to your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him, and He
will direct your path. [Prov 3:5, 6]
The flesh will remain imperfect until the day we are
changed (all born-again, Spirit-filled believers), in the twinkling of the eye,
on the day of resurrection or the rapture, whichever the Lord chooses.
The best thing I ever did was to finally surrender,
wholly and gladly! Commitment was not surrender, but I did not differentiate
for some time. I had to learn. Surrender would be the best move anyone,
including you, can make.
If you already have, bravo! Whether I want to or not, I
will let you down. Others will let you down (disappoint/fail), and you will let
others down too. It is all part of the fallen, carnal nature. Even when we do
not intend to ever let anyone down, it does happen in this life. It is the
human factor. Yet, with great confidence I can assure you that Jesus (Yeshua)
will never let you down.
Guaranteed there will be times in this life that stuff
happens and we do not get why God has allowed it, why He did not stop it…
especially when we know He surely could have. He is God after all. We read the
Word and we think we understand and know God. Yet when something happens in our
life that tears us apart, or that we do not want to happen, more often than
not, we cry out, “Why?! Why didn’t You do something? Why did You allow this?
What kind of loving God allows this?”
We might wonder what we did to deserve this punishment.
Surely it must be punishment for something, or else it just seems cruel. It might
‘feel’ like Yahweh is displeased with us and that is why the tragedy happened.
We try to rationalize, try to make sense out of tragedy or calamity.
We will search the heart for sin, any sin, all sin. He
must be punishing us. Why else must we suffer this pain (whether external
(physical), internal (mental, emotional, spiritual), or both).
Why else are some of us unable to walk, or some unable to
move, or others still unable to see, or hear. Why else did this marriage fall
apart? Why else did this person get sick, or that person die, or, or, or…? We
may accuse Jesus/God of being unfair, unjust, or worse – unloving.
We may ask Him to bring a certain person back and to take
us, but God does not roll that way. El Shaddai, God Almighty – Yahweh – He is
good and His mercy endures forever. The day will come when we will understand,
but perhaps not now.
Let the wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous man
his thoughts: and let him return to the Lord [Adonai], and He will have mercy
upon him; and to our God [Yahweh], for He will abundantly pardon.
For My thoughts are not our thoughts; neither are your
ways My ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts. [Is
55:8]
Perhaps you have not had anything happen to you in life
that would bring you to that desperate, frustrated, and perhaps even momentarily
angry point in time with your Creator, the true living God that you have loved
and served.
Guard your healthy fear of the Lord. Respect that He is
GOD, and there is no other. He is the true, living God and He always has a remnant,
always. Ask forgiveness if your emotions caused you to be rude, disrespectful,
or a complainer and grumbler. Turn away from bitterness; destroy any bitter
root.
Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ [2Cor 10:5]
Jesus IS merciful. When we repent with godly sorrow, He will forgive and not bring it back up to remembrance. [Micah 7:19] As people, we tend to ‘forgive’, but we do not forget. It is true that some things are hard to forget. We were given a memory for a reason.
I have heard people say they ‘forgive’ someone who did a
great trespass against them, but if their name comes up, their countenance appears
angry. Neither do their words align with how they look.
If one still has any animosity at all toward the person,
the forgiveness is in their head but not their heart. Jesus told us to forgive
seventy times seven, which means we will tire of counting long before we arrive
490 times. Either that, or we will lose track.
Animosity: it come from the
Latin word ‘animus’, meaning spirit, mind, or high passion; a strong
feeling of dislike or hatred: ill will or resentment tending toward active
hostility: an antagonistic attitude – synonyms: bitterness, enmity, bad blood,
hostility SOURCE: Merriam-Webster
Hatred in the heart is as a murderer in the heart. [1Jn
3:15] Let it go, and truly trust God to take care of things, in His way, and in
His timing. That can be most difficult, especially when it comes to serious
violations, I know. But our faith and our heart will be tried. This life is
temporal. All will have to stand before a holy and just God.
We may learn ‘why’ further up the road, or we may not
learn why until we meet Jesus in heaven. Will anything on earth seem important
once we leave these earthen vessels, and leave the only ‘home’ (earth) that we
have ever known?
Jesus can be trusted to do what is best for us in the
long-run. That is where trust must stand. And remember, it only takes faith the
size of a mustard seed to move mountains (of trouble). God is the God of the
impossible.
These are not just ear-tickling, fluffy expressions to give
false hope. They are the core, the foundation that establishes REAL hope faith
through Jesus the Christ.
Now for the lyrics to the song.
Amazing Grace Fell Like Rain
I was carrying a thousand worries like stones inside my
chest
Smiling through the pain of living, but my soul could
find no rest
I had wandered through the silence, far from who I used
to be
Then a quiet voice in darkness said, “My child, come
back to Me.”
And when the night felt endless, I felt mercy hold my
hand.
Amazing grace fell like rain on the driest parts of me
When my heart forgot its purpose, You still saw what I
could be
Amazing grace gave me peace, when my world was torn apart
And the love I could not find here, You planted in my
heart
There were battles no one noticed hidden deep behind my
smile
I was losing faith in tomorrow, walking empty mile by
mile
But You never stopped pursuing even when I turned away
Through the sorrow and confusion, You were lighting up my
way
When I thought the road was over, heaven whispered
through my pain
Amazing grace fell like rain on the driest parts of me
When my heart forgot its purpose, You still saw what I
could be
Amazing grace gave me peace when my world was torn apart
And the love I could not find her, You planted in my
heart
You were there inside the silence; You were there inside
the storm
When I thought that I was broken, You were making
something more
Not perfection, not religion, just a love that set me
free
And the mercy I was chasing was already chasing me
Amazing grace lead me home when these tired eyes finally
see
That the peace I searched forever was You walking next to
me
Was You walking next to me
Amazing grace, You never stopped loving me
Never stopped loving me…
Never stopped loving me…
(Released July 2026) – AI-generated
I shared
some things I do not typically share [depression], but there are others
who suffer silently too. Thanks in part to the prosperity gospel, there are
those who believe that a Christian is not meant to be depressed, not meant to
have any sickness, not meant to live at poverty level, not ever question their
faith or any other critical question.
That is not
realistic. The prosperity gospel, in part, is responsible. The enemies of the
cross plant their seeds of deception as well. But we serve the most incredible
God. There are no adequate words to describe either Jesus or the Sovereign,
Providential Yahweh.
For a
couple of decades, I have tried to describe Him, but this writer has not been
successful in it [smiles – I am in good company, I hear]. He is dependable, and always has a listening
ear.
Dark Night
of the Soul
That being
said, I recently went through what has been named from centuries ago as a “dark
night of the soul”. It is surely not the first time, but I pray it is the
last. This dark night is a time when a war-weary soul hits a dark period,
completely exhausted – physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually – from life’s
battles, which are at times daily.
The struggles
deep within are confusing and painful, a time that one goes through very much
alone (more often than not), feeling abandoned by a world void of
understanding or compassion. It is a time that a mask might go on, one that
convinces observers that everything is okay. We may share events or things that
are happening with a trusted friend, but keep the turmoil churning inside to
ourselves.
PASS the
TEST
We want
people to know God is good, and He definitely is, but we may be struggling with
hopelessness and misunderstanding of the Lord’s ways, which is devastating to
our spirit. We want to appear strong, but feel the weakest we have ever felt.
We do not
want to be a hypocrite, but at the same time, we do not want to complain, or
worse yet, we do not want to trip others up, and discourage them. So, we carry
the burden alone, not knowing what to say to our precious Lord.
People
believe you are strong, when inside you feel so weak. As a Christian, one wants
to show few, if any, can see past what is usually expressed as anger, or
stress, or busyness…or even depression. Few see it as the crisis it is, where
the soul is experiencing a type of dismantling, a deep emotional pain, a
disconnect from the world, from others, and – even from God.
We might
feel crazy with the mixture of emotions and pretending to be stronger than we
are, but we are not crazy…at least, we hope we are not. What it does mean is
that we are going through a purging. Things that are not of God are being
exposed and the dross is surfacing.
Growing
pains are a reality. It is not a physical pain, but it is a very deep, harsh
pain. Our faith is being tested. It is being tried more than it ever has been
before. I have spoken in the past about Job, and Abraham, and Moses, and
Joseph.
I posted a
scripture that helps us to remember that Jus as a Samurai sword is tested
before it is used in battle, so our faith is tried (tested) to see if we will
stand, and having done all…to stand.
He sent a
man before them, even Joseph, who was sold for a servant: Whose feet they hurt
with fetters: he was laid in iron: Until the time that his word (promise) came:
the word of the LORD (Adonai/Yahweh) tried (tested) him. [Ps
105:17-19]
Many give
up at this point. I know I almost did. Not on Jesus, not on God, but on any
hope of glorifying Him, or doing something that will please Him, or the
promises I believe to come to fruition, or even staying strong to the end.
Help me,
Lord. I can’t take any more. Why, why must I go through this? What have I done?
Why won’t it end? Surely I am being punished for something and I don’t know
what. I know I have attitude sometimes; or a curse word slips out. I hate when
my mouth shames me.
I am
surrounded by those who cuss. I grew up with it, spoke it, ahh Lord, help me to
be what You want me to be. Help me to make it to the end. I love You Lord. You
ARE good. You have done so much for me. (And the tears fall…endlessly. Save me
from myself, Lord.)
The pain is
daily, unable to walk far. Stairs are a killer. I imprison myself, rarely going
out because four stairs bring great pain. Lord, I know others suffer so much
more, but I can’t compare myself to others, Lord. I can’t… But like Paul, I do
things I do not want to do, and do not do the things I should.
I do not understand
my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.
Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now
it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.
For I know
that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to
do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. [Rom 7:15-18] ESV (English Standard
Version)
Fight the
Good Fight
It’s a dark
night where it is hard to see anything clearly. A wondering of purpose, an
aloneness, a sense that no one understands, a horribly lonely feeling. It is a
type of inner breakdown, a deep searching of the soul – a painful purging.
When a
person is in that dark night, they deal with thoughts and feelings of guilt,
shame, fear, and yes, anger. It is not meant to be a time of destruction, but a
time for new beginnings, new strength, new wisdom, new growth…no matter the
age.
A loving
parent longs to help their child when if they even suspect their child is going
through a dark night of the soul. But it is like the butterfly struggling to
come out of the cocoon. If the butterfly is helped, or if someone peels open
the chrysalis early, the limbs can be torn or become deformed.
When the butterfly breaks free, it has to hang upside down immediately. It is so their little heart can pump fluid into the wings so they will expand. If someone handles the butterfly as soon as it comes out, they could cause it to die because without hanging upside down the wings will dry and harden. The wings will dry and shrivel up; it will never fly and it will die.
When a
person comes out of a dark night of the soul, they may feel disoriented
slightly (like things are upside down), but it is for our own good. That
is usually when God is quiet…and some may think He does not care, or for
others, that He is not real. But He does care, and He is real.
I sent this
to each of my children (now grown adults), and said to them:
I believe
you can relate to this song. As your mother, I want you to know I love you
deeply, ever since the moment you came out of my womb and I first laid eyes
upon you, and held you in my arms. You have become a fine person – each one of
you, different, yet one of you, such a gift to me (a gift undeserved, but
grateful I am)
I made so
many mistakes; I did my best with no backup. Its too bad because I believed in
God/Jesus all my life, but didn’t really have a solid relationship with Him.
When I lost all of you in 1994 that time that I was in the hospital for a month,
after a night of abuse with your father, I turned to Jesus – but with the wrong
motive. I didn’t turn to Him to repent of my sins, but so that I could get my
children back.
He is so
patient, so good, He never forces Himself on us. He wants people to come
willingly. He’s amazing…
May this
song minister to you as it did me
The “names”
attached as the writers and singers of the song are fictitious AI characters.
They are not real people. And the video that someone put together is totally AI-generated.
Then they put it on YouTube (and probably TikTok, Facebook or whatever).
AI
characters and AI videos totally annoy me. I just do not like them, but I like
this song.
Be much
blessed, my child. I love you for always, I love you forever; as long as I’m
living, my baby you will be. (heart)
Amazing
Grace Fell Like Rain (Mikhail Bennett YT Channel)
for His glory alone
Bonita dovesofthevalleys4@gmail.com
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