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| screenshot--credit_Yuang Xu |
With the help of the precious and Holy Spirit, I put
together a little heartfelt package to inspire, encourage and help others, God
willing. It reflects where I’ve been spiritually, fighting hard – alone with
Jesus. It is good to have a friend or two who understand, but Jesus is the friend
we ALL need. He never wearies or tires of us…unless we are ungrateful
complainers or worse.
Even then, He will draw us to steer us toward repentance
so that He can forgive us. However, He never forces anyone, and He will not
contend forever.
When darkness surrounds the soul, there is a silent
knowing that other brethren are going through the same thing. It doesn’t need
to be spoken, but it does help to talk things out. Sometimes everyone needs
comfort, needs to be heard, needs to be understood.
We are in a real war, and the enemy is relentless. His
fury is immeasurable; his hatred is bloodthirsty and insatiable. Yet, we have
an Advocate who has overcome the enemy and has overcome the world [Jn 16:33] We
all long for the days that this spiritual warfare with Satan/Lucifer and his
legions is finally over. Christ is the Victor.
We are one ‘Body’ in Christ Jesus/Yeshua, who is the
Head. The Body cannot exist or live without the Head – how beautiful and wise
are the ways of the Lord.
A Raging Battle
I was looking for a song, one of the old-fashioned hymns,
like the Old Rugged Cross, or It Is Well (With My Soul).
There was a need to worship the Lord through music, and to focus upon Him. I
wanted my heart to be grateful, not wallowing in self-pity. Amazing Grace popped
up, a classic. However, just before I clicked on the familiar original version,
an extended title caught my eye. “Amazing Grace Fell Like Rain” –
intriguing.
I searched out the title and lyrics on Google, and in
truth, I could easily have echoed the words for what I have been struggling
with these past several months. How many times does one go through a dark night
of the soul. I reckon it depends on the soul, depends on the number of times a
tragedy in life has struck, or a spiritual crisis has taken place. It depends
on several factors.
Now for a true confession. Depression is something I have
fought for a long time, off and on throughout my life, but now there is Jesus.
My Saviour makes all things bearable. I can run to Him with all my cares,
concerns, hurts, frustrations, anger – everything.
The garment of praise is worn for the spirit of
heaviness, yet like a trustworthy boomerang, and for reasons unknown,
depression returns. Praise Jesus for His patience, understanding, and for being
a solid Rock.
Despite the heaviness, there truly is a deep peace and an
untouchable inner joy knowing Jesus and abiding in Him, clinging to Him like
healthy grapes cling to a strong vine. He truly is an unexplainable strength,
wholly reliable. He is our hope, our strong tower, our shield. He is everything
good, pure and holy.
The name of the Lord [Adonai] is a strong tower; the
righteous run into it and is safe. [Prov 18:10]
The lyrics that will be posted further below summed up a
fair chunk of what has been going on within me, deep below the surface (or
perhaps, not so deep), behind the sometimes-pasted smile and sometimes forced
lighthearted-sounding words. I must say that I am extremely grateful to have a
good friend in the flesh…two good friends, sisters in Christ.
Yet in the Spirit, Jesus is the best friend of anyone who
will draw close and abide in Him (be one in Him, and He will be one in you),
just as Jesus/Yeshua was in the Father, and Abba (the Father) was in
Christ Jesus.
We Must Learn to Trust
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| Jesus is LORD Of the battle |
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and
lean not to your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him, and He
will direct your path. [Prov 3:5, 6]
The flesh will remain imperfect until the day we are
changed (all born-again, Spirit-filled believers), in the twinkling of the eye,
on the day of resurrection or the rapture, whichever the Lord chooses.
The best thing I ever did was to finally surrender,
wholly and gladly! Commitment was not surrender, but I did not differentiate
for some time. I had to learn. Surrender would be the best move anyone,
including you, can make.
If you already have, bravo! Whether I want to or not, I
will let you down. Others will let you down (disappoint/fail), and you will let
others down too. It is all part of the fallen, carnal nature. Even when we do
not intend to ever let anyone down, it does happen in this life. It is the
human factor. Yet, with great confidence I can assure you that Jesus (Yeshua)
will never let you down.
Guaranteed there will be times in this life that stuff
happens and we do not get why God has allowed it, why He did not stop it…
especially when we know He surely could have. He is God after all. We read the
Word and we think we understand and know God. Yet when something happens in our
life that tears us apart, or that we do not want to happen, more often than
not, we cry out, “Why?! Why didn’t You do something? Why did You allow this?
What kind of loving God allows this?”
We might wonder what we did to deserve this punishment.
Surely it must be punishment for something, or else it just seems cruel. It might
‘feel’ like Yahweh is displeased with us and that is why the tragedy happened.
We try to rationalize, try to make sense out of tragedy or calamity.
We will search the heart for sin, any sin, all sin. He
must be punishing us. Why else must we suffer this pain (whether external
(physical), internal (mental, emotional, spiritual), or both).
Why else are some of us unable to walk, or some unable to
move, or others still unable to see, or hear. Why else did this marriage fall
apart? Why else did this person get sick, or that person die, or, or, or…? We
may accuse Jesus/God of being unfair, unjust, or worse – unloving.
We may ask Him to bring a certain person back and to take
us, but God does not roll that way. El Shaddai, God Almighty – Yahweh – He is
good and His mercy endures forever. The day will come when we will understand,
but perhaps not now.
Let the wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous man
his thoughts: and let him return to the Lord [Adonai], and He will have mercy
upon him; and to our God [Yahweh], for He will abundantly pardon.
For My thoughts are not our thoughts; neither are your
ways My ways, declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts. [Is
55:8]
Perhaps you have not had anything happen to you in life
that would bring you to that desperate, frustrated, and perhaps even momentarily
angry point in time with your Creator, the true living God that you have loved
and served.
Guard your healthy fear of the Lord. Respect that He is
GOD, and there is no other. He is the true, living God and He always has a remnant,
always. Ask forgiveness if your emotions caused you to be rude, disrespectful,
or a complainer and grumbler. Turn away from bitterness; destroy any bitter
root.
Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ [2Cor 10:5]
Jesus IS merciful. When we repent with godly sorrow, He will forgive and not bring it back up to remembrance. [Micah 7:19] As people, we tend to ‘forgive’, but we do not forget. It is true that some things are hard to forget. We were given a memory for a reason.
I have heard people say they ‘forgive’ someone who did a
great trespass against them, but if their name comes up, their countenance appears
angry. Neither do their words align with how they look.
If one still has any animosity at all toward the person,
the forgiveness is in their head but not their heart. Jesus told us to forgive
seventy times seven, which means we will tire of counting long before we arrive
490 times. Either that, or we will lose track.
Animosity: it come from the
Latin word ‘animus’, meaning spirit, mind, or high passion; a strong
feeling of dislike or hatred: ill will or resentment tending toward active
hostility: an antagonistic attitude – synonyms: bitterness, enmity, bad blood,
hostility SOURCE: Merriam-Webster
Hatred in the heart is as a murderer in the heart. [1Jn
3:15] Let it go, and truly trust God to take care of things, in His way, and in
His timing. That can be most difficult, especially when it comes to serious
violations, I know. But our faith and our heart will be tried. This life is
temporal. All will have to stand before a holy and just God.
We may learn ‘why’ further up the road, or we may not
learn why until we meet Jesus in heaven. Will anything on earth seem important
once we leave these earthen vessels, and leave the only ‘home’ (earth) that we
have ever known?
Jesus can be trusted to do what is best for us in the
long-run. That is where trust must stand. And remember, it only takes faith the
size of a mustard seed to move mountains (of trouble). God is the God of the
impossible.
These are not just ear-tickling, fluffy expressions to give
false hope. They are the core, the foundation that establishes REAL hope faith
through Jesus the Christ.
Now for the lyrics to the song.
Amazing Grace Fell Like Rain
I was carrying a thousand worries like stones inside my
chest
Smiling through the pain of living, but my soul could
find no rest
I had wandered through the silence, far from who I used
to be
Then a quiet voice in darkness said, “My child, come
back to Me.”
And when the night felt endless, I felt mercy hold my
hand.
Amazing grace fell like rain on the driest parts of me
When my heart forgot its purpose, You still saw what I
could be
Amazing grace gave me peace, when my world was torn apart
And the love I could not find here, You planted in my
heart
There were battles no one noticed hidden deep behind my
smile
I was losing faith in tomorrow, walking empty mile by
mile
But You never stopped pursuing even when I turned away
Through the sorrow and confusion, You were lighting up my
way
When I thought the road was over, heaven whispered
through my pain
Amazing grace fell like rain on the driest parts of me
When my heart forgot its purpose, You still saw what I
could be
Amazing grace gave me peace when my world was torn apart
And the love I could not find her, You planted in my
heart
You were there inside the silence; You were there inside
the storm
When I thought that I was broken, You were making
something more
Not perfection, not religion, just a love that set me
free
And the mercy I was chasing was already chasing me
Amazing grace lead me home when these tired eyes finally
see
That the peace I searched forever was You walking next to
me
Was You walking next to me
Amazing grace, You never stopped loving me
Never stopped loving me…
Never stopped loving me…
(Released July 2026) – AI-generated
True Confession – And That’s Okay
I shared some things I do not typically share
(depression), but there are others who suffer silently too. Thanks in part to
the prosperity gospel, there are those who believe that a Christian is not
meant to be depressed (tell that to Job, Moses, Jacob’s son, Joseph, and
David).
A Christian is not meant to have any sickness (Hezekiah, David,
Timothy – three examples of sickness); not meant to be depressed (Job and
David both suffered depression), not meant to live at poverty level (being poor
is not a sin), not ever to question their faith or any do any critical thinking
or ask any critical questions. (lies from Satan)
It is not realistic to think a true Christian will not suffer any of these things. Prosperity teachers (false doctrine) and wolves in sheep’s clothing teach that. The enemies of the cross plant their seeds of deception as well. But we serve the most incredible God. There are no adequate words to describe either Jesus or the Sovereign, Providential Yahweh (God).
For a couple of decades, I have tried to describe God and Jesus, but this writer has not been successful in it (smiles – I am in good company, I hear). The living God is holy, dependable, and always has a listening ear, unless one is stiff-necked and refuses to turn from their sin.
Dark Night of the Soul
click any pic to enlarge
That being said, I recently went through what has been
named for centuries as a “dark night of the soul”. It is surely is not
the first time, but I pray it is the last. This dark night is a time when a
war0weary soul hits a dark period, completely exhausted – physically, mentally,
emotionally, spiritually – from life’s battles, which are at time daily.
The struggles deep within are confusing and painful, a
time that one goes through very much alone (more often than not), feeling
abandoned by a world void of understanding or compassion. It is a time that a
mask might go on, one that convinces observers that everything is okay. We may
share events or things that are happening with a trusted friend, but keep the
heavy turmoil churning inside, strictly to ourselves so that we do not trip
anyone else up, or shake up their faith. God forbid!
Pass the Test
It is important that people know God is good, and He
definitely loves us, but we may still struggle with hopelessness and
misunderstanding of the Lord’s ways, which is devastating to our spirit. We want
to appear strong, but feel the weakest we have ever felt.
We do not want to be a hypocrite, but at the same time,
we do not want to complain, or worse yet, we do not want to trip others up, and
discourage them. So, we carry the burden alone, not knowing what to ay to our
precious Lord.
People believe you are strong, when inside, you feel so
weak. As a Christian, we do not want people to see us stressed, upset, angry,
or even depressed. Few see it as the crisis it is, where the soul is
experiencing a type of dismantling, a deep emotional pain, a disconnect from
the world, from others, and – even from God.
We might feel crazy with the mixture of emotions and
pretending to be stronger than we are, but we are not crazy… at least, we hope
we are not. What it does mean is that we are going through a purging. Things that
are not of God are being exposed and the dross is surfacing.
Growing pains are a reality. It is not a physical pain,
but it is a very deep, harsh pain. Our faith is being tested. It is being tried
more than it ever has been before. I have spoken in the past about Job, and
Abraham, and Moses, and Joseph.
Faith Will Be Tested
I posted a scripture some time back that helps us to
remember the testing of our faith. Just like a Samurai sword must be proven (tested)
to see if it is worthy to be in the hands of a skilled warrior in a battle, so
must our faith be proven (tested) to see if we love God first above all things,
and having gone through many tests, and having done all – to stand.
He sent a man before them, even Joseph, who was sold for
a servant: Whose feet they hurt with fetters: he was laid in iron: Until the
time that his word (promise) came: the Word of the Lord (Adonai/Yahweh) tried
(tested) him [Ps 105:17-19]
Many give up at this point, right before the victory
comes to fruition. I know I almost did. I did not almost give up on Jesus, nor
on God, but on any hope of glorifying Him, or doing something that will please
Him, or the promises I believe to come to fruition, or even staying strong to
the end.
Help me, Lord, in the times where I feel that I cannot
take any more. I do ask why, why must I go through this? Is there no other way
for me to learn what it is you want me to learn? Why won’t it end?? It seems never-ending.
I know I am not being punished for something, but it sure feels like it.
I know I have an attitude sometimes (frustration,
disappointed, betrayal); or a curse word slips out. I hate when my mouth
shames me.
I am surrounded by those who cuss, but it’s not an excuse.
I need to exercise self-control. I grew up with it, spoke it sometimes. Ahh
Lord, help me to be what You want me to be. Help me to make it to the end, to
put others first. Do Ido it even when they trespass against me?
I love you, Lord. You are good. You have done much for me
(and the tears appear endless. Perhaps save me from myself, Lord.
The pain is daily, unable to walk far without assistance. I grew up around violence, but I chose not to be violent... Lord, I know others suffer more, but I cannot possibly compare myself to others, it’s too much. But like Paul, I do things I do not want to do, and do not do the things I should.
I do not understand my own actions. For I do
not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not
want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do
it, but sin that dwells within me.
For I know that nothing good dwells in me,
that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the
ability to carry it out. [Rom 7:15-18] ESV
Fight the Good Fight
It is a dark night where it is hard to see anything
clearly. A wondering of purpose, an aloneness, a sense that no one understands,
a horribly lonely feeling. It is a type of inner breakdown, a deep searching of
the soul – a painful purging.
When a person is in that dark night, they deal with thoughts
and feelings of guilt, shame, fear, and yes, anger. It is not meant to be a
time of destruction, but a time of new beginnings, new strength, new wisdom,
new growth…no matter the age.
A loving parent longs to help their child, if they even
suspect their child is going through a dark night of the soul. But it is like
the butterfly struggling to come out of the cocoon. If the butterfly is helped
out, or if someone peels open the chrysalis early, the limbs can be torn or
become deformed on the new butterfly.
When the butterfly breaks free, it has to hang upside
down immediately. It is so their little heart can pump fluid into the wings so
they will expand. If someone handles the butterfly as soon as it comes out, the
could cause it to die because without hanging upside down, the wings will dry
and harden, causing them to shrivel up. That would mean the butterfly will
never fly. Instead, it will die.
When a person comes out of a dark night of the soul, they
may feel slightly disoriented (like things are upside down), but it is for our
own good. That is usually when God is quiet…and some may think He does not care.
Others may think He is not real. Listen, please. God does care. He is real!
I sent this to each of my children (now grown adults, two in their 30s and one early 40s), and said to them:
I believe you can relate to this song. As your mother, I
want you to know that I love you deeply, ever since the moment you came out of
my womb and I first laid eyes upon you, and held you gently in my arms. You
have become a fine person – each one of you are different, yet each of you are
such a gift to me (an undeserved gift, but I am grateful)!
I made so many mistakes, but I did my best with no backup.
It is too bad because I believed in God/Jesus all my life, but I did not have
any solid relationship with Him. It is written that even the demons believe and
tremble.
Yet know this. I am here to be your backup, if and when
you ever need any. When I lost all of you in 1994 when I ended up in the
hospital for a month after one night of abuse with your father, I did turn to
Jesus, but I had the wrong motive. I did not turn to Him to repent of my sins.
I still had no fear of the Lord, nor was I filled with godly sorrow for my
sins. I turned to Jesus because I wanted to get my children back from an
alcoholic who would neglect and abuse all of you.
Jesus is so patient, so good. He had to work on the
inside of each of us, so He could cleanse us, and dress us in robes of
righteousness. He put people in our path who helped us at that time. Jesus
never forces Himself on us. He desires people come willingly and gladly. Incredibly
good, kind Jesus!
May this song minister to each of you as it did for me. May it move you to thank Jesus for His great love, care, salvation, forgiveness, deliverance, everything. Even though I was not saved at the time, each one of you were dedicated to the Lord when you were just weeks old. It was not done in a church, but I did get on my knees, lift each of you in the air, thank God for you, and acknowledged that you were His. I must have seen it or heard of it, I know not but now that I know Jesus, I believe that He led that action. I give Him the glory alone.
The ‘names’ of the artists/musicians of this song are all
fictitious characters, AI-generated characters. They are not real people. And
the video that someone put together is completely AI-generated. Once created,
it was posted on YouTube, on a YouTube channel. It likely got posted on TikTok,
Facebook, Rumble, or whatever…
AI characters and AI videos annoy me. It is artificial
indeed, and I strongly dislike AI films.
However, I do like the song. My prayer is that it
ministers to you all, as it did me. Be much blessed, my child. I love you
forever, I like you for always. As long as I’m living, my baby you will be.
(heart)
The Lord taught me patience, although I still blow it
sometimes; He really and truly is an ever-present help in trouble.
You will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed
on you because he trusted in you. Trust in the Lord forever: for in the Lord Jehovah
[YHVH] is everlasting strength. [Is 26:4] KJV
for His glory alone
Bonita dovesofthevalleys4@gmail.com
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