August 15,
2012 – [8.15.2012] – 3:35 pm
First the Inside of the Cup – Part
42
Serotonin Poisoning
The years
of late 2003 and most of 2004 are very clouded, even to this day, as I had been
so very sick from the serotonin poisoning, or Serotonin Syndrome (SS) as it is
called. The doctor had told me that I
had an allergic reaction, but the hospital staff told me I was ‘highly toxic’
(which is what happens with SS), plus I overhead staff mention SS one time when
they were discussing my chart.
Serotonin
poisoning or SS does require hospitalization, yet it typically clears up
relatively quickly (if it does not kill you).
The fact that it took months to come around to a functioning level
physically (and almost a year to come around mentally) tells me that the 36
pills per day regime that the doctor had me on was certainly not what I needed.
I may even
get the order in which things occurred mixed up still as I write this, but I
will highlight events that profoundly affected me. Although I did not realize it at the time all
that occurred was actually for my good, although it may have seemed to be for
my destruction.
For we know that all things work
together for good, to those who
love God and are the called, according to His purpose.
[Rom 8:28]
Outward Appearances – The Good vs
Black Sheep
Gayle came
every morning to pick Sarah up and then drop her off afterwards, since she
worked in the office at the high school Sarah attended. It meant that Sarah had an extra 45 minutes
in the morning. She would hang around
for an hour at school until Gayle finished for the day.
My feelings
were mixed because I actually liked Gayle and her husband. In many ways, they had been kind to me;
however, they had an agenda, a hidden purpose or thought behind their
actions. I did not want to believe that,
but the Lord revealed it to me in ways that could not be denied.
(1) Paul
regretted giving me the car because of my single-vehicle accidents (due to
being wrongly and heavily medicated). A
man who was obeying the Lord would have no regrets.
(2) Paul
regretted giving me the boxes of meat and other food (due to giving a portion to
a family that was hungry and needy (6 people, including a toddler and an
elderly woman). A man obeying the Lord
would rejoice that others benefited also.
3) Paul was
not completely honest in saying that the children did not want to come
home. Josie wanted to return home and
did. Sarah was influenced by them, when
she would overhear them talking about me in a negative way.
(4) Paul
set up an appointment with me, under the pretense of returning Sarah. Gayle
stayed silent, whilst Paul did all the talking.
During the discussion (in front of Sarah), he admitted his regret in
giving me the car, told me that I ‘wanted
it all’ (house, car, dog etc) and said that ‘they felt’ Sarah would be
better off with them. It was a very real attack.
Sarah saw a
couple who did not do drugs, drink or smoke cigarettes (never did); never
separated or divorced and were obviously successful. Gayle worked for the school board and Paul
owned a lucrative construction business.
They were well-respected in the community and highly regarded at the
church. The Merlins were considered
‘good people’.
I, on the
other hand, had a turbulent life that involved drinking, drugs, smoking
cigarettes and worse. By the world’s
standards, we were poverty-stricken, always struggling to make ends meet. I did not fit into the churches I had been to
and I moved around so much that no community knew me. Respect was not something I was given because
I was considered a mentally ill person.
I had
married a man who had divorced me (instead of vice versa) and that man was now
a convicted child abuser and child molester.
The fact that the courts had granted him custody rather than me only
made the judgments against my character seem even more valid.
When I was
so sick, so ‘out of it’ due to the serotonin poisoning that I needed help,
people did not understand the doctor’s error, but were convinced that I was one very sick (mentally
ill) individual. It was again the grace
of God (Yhwh) that I did not die, as I was so toxic.
When the Lord told me to lead by example, I did my best to obey. Did it not matter that I gave up herb and drink? Did anyone notice that I never went out on dates, never brought men into my home for companionship?
Did anyone consider how lonely that was, year after year? I truly wanted to obey the Lord. Did anyone see that I loved my children and fought years to get them out of the hands of an alcoholic father?
Did anyone notice how they came first, after the Lord? Did anyone notice any changes in me that the Lord Himself had done? Lord, was there no good fruit to be seen? Did anyone really know me?
The five people that formed the ‘team’ barely
knew me. When Jordan
joined the ‘kid’s club’ at the church, Sam was one of the leaders. Ryan and Sam were also involved occasionally
with ‘youth group’, which both Sarah and Josie had joined.
Sam, Judy, Paul and Gayle were all long-time friends. I had met seen all of them around at the
church and when I dropped the children off to their groups. I met Ryan when I joined the divorce group,
but I only went to three meetings before I quit (explained earlier in my
testimony).
Hidden Agenda – Ulterior Motives
I can only
ascertain that church folks found out about my dilemma through some
conversation with the children, or maybe one of the kids asked people to pray
for me. However the ‘team’ was formed, and
none of us (to this day) are really sure how it all came to be that the team
took over our lives for awhile. I was
the ‘black sheep’.
How did I
know that their motives were to impress the church community? I believe the Lord opened my eyes and ears to
the fact because on my own, I likely would not have thought much of it. Jesus (Y’shua) came against the Pharisees and
their ‘religious’ spirit.
When I was
given the boxes of meat and other food items, people approached me either
before or after church service saying, ‘I heard the Merlins gave you…’ When I drove to church in the New Yorker,
several individuals at different times, made reference to the car that Paul
gave me.
The worst
of my illness from the poisoning was over in about five months. When I finally made an appearance at church,
different people (who I recognized by face only) would shake my hand and make
mention of ‘the team’ who had helped me out.
This was a congregation of approximately 250-300 people, yet the
majority seemed to be very aware of me and my children and my ‘pitiful
condition’.
In those
days, I walked in humility, as the Lord allowed it, for I needed to learn true humility. There was no room for pride. If pride ever tried to raise its ugly head in
me, it was soon abased. No one from the
church ever tried to become my friend, even when I did try to reach out to some
women.
I often
felt like the spotted and blemished sheep amongst the unblemished and
unspotted. I knew that I needed the Lord
to purify and purge me. He was about to
begin some very serious work in me.
Broken Family
Sometimes
Jordan could not get moving in the morning and would miss his bus by
minutes. My license was still revoked,
so I would have to call Sandy, who would come and pick him up. I told Jordan that if he kept up his
tardiness purposely, he could stay home and fail the year because Sandy could
not drive him all the time. I would not
allow him to take advantage of her kindness.
He straightened out that way for awhile.
How I
wished the lad had a positive male influence in his life. He had been on the Big Brothers waiting list
right up to age 11 (3 years), but I had already known that he was considered
too old for a sponsor. There were no
grandfathers, cousins, uncles or even a brother for him to speak with.
When
Wallace was up on charges, all of his family quit contact with us, except one
sister who was supposed to go to the police to report that he had raped her
when she was 8 (he was 9). She believed
it would help our case. She never did
report to the police though because she had never told her husband about it in
the 16 years that she had been married.
Although
his sister never said as much, she feared that letting the truth be known would
have a devastating effect on her marriage.
Her husband would have a hard time not only with the information, but
the secrecy that enveloped it. I did
understand her position. She never
called again, once she had decided not to bring up the incident.
After
Wallace was found guilty, there never was contact again from any member of his
family. It was their personal choice;
they chose to be loyal to Wallace. He
had such an incredible number of relatives that even I never met them all. Incest, molestation and other issues rippled
throughout the generations. Some were
charged; others were only mentioned within the family circle.
Keeping
mercy for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin, and that by
no means clear the guilty; visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the
children, and upon the children’s children, unto the third and fourth
generation. [Ex
34:7]
Kyle had
been in and out of hospital for years, so he was not stable enough to be a big
brother to Jordan. He took him to see
Forest Gump one time. Another time, he
picked Jordan up every day for a week to help him build his mother a shed. Other than that, Kyle had no real interaction
with Jordan over the course of 12 years.
A very
interesting side note to add here would be this fact. Kyle had been in and out of the hospital for
21 years for manic depressive episodes.
After he committed his life to the Lord, when the firefighter picked him
up hitchhiking, he never went back into the hospital for manic-depression. He was 36 when he gave his life to the Lord.
The glory to God!
My youngest
half-sister chose to keep me out of her life because she did not like Wallace
and did not want to involve her children with us. We had not grown up together,
as she was only a toddler when I left home.
I had only seen her once in 16 years, so it was understandable.
My oldest
half-sister and her husband began associating with us once a year, sometimes
twice, once we returned from Arizona in 2001.
For three summers, they took us all for a ride on their yacht, bought
some KFC (Kentucky Fried Chicken) and left shortly after eating.
They lived
just shy of three hours away, so it was a six-hour round trip. Twice they came for the day at Christmas time. We had great times; I love my sister and her
husband. However, after four years in
our lives, we never saw them again. (I
will explain more when I get to that part of the testimony.)
Puberty
Suffice it
to say that my son grew up with no real male influence outside of the community
(friends, school, church). I know that
the Lord had a perfect plan for the family, with the father as the head and
Christ the head over all. I believe that
just as young girls need their mothers to speak to them about certain topics young
boys need their fathers to speak to them also about certain matters.
When Jordan
was hitting puberty, I tried to explain some things to him. He was quite embarrassed, which made me feel
awkward. I told him that I would rather
he know the truth about things than fables or twisted truths. He simply could not be comfortable about
certain topics (commonly called the ‘facts of life’), so I had to respect that
and trust those matters into the hands of the Lord.
What
bothered me is that the grade schools had begun to supply condoms in the boys’
washrooms for free. Anyone could gain
access to the dispensers, which were daily refilled. It was like an open invitation to sin – come
one, come all. Jordan said that even
those in grade one could take them.
There was no age restriction.
I explained
some hardcore facts to Jordan about condoms, but he was already aware of the
things I told him. I was not sure how I
felt about him knowing these things, but I was not surprised, given the moral
decline of all generations. Jesus/Y’shua
warned us about the last generation.
New Generation Style
Jordan and
the girls had taken to the new style clothing that was and is the rage these
days. Baggy pants that are worn slightly
below the waist to halfway down the buttocks to just below the butt (depending
on the individual), hoodies, thongs and revealing clothing are the norm these
days. Every generation has had their own
style.
Jordan
liked the baggy pants to rest halfway down his buttocks, revealing his boxers, with
a belt holding his jeans in place. I
noticed that it hindered his walk. It
seemed that he had to walk with legs somewhat spread, in order to keep his pants
from falling down.
There was a
time period that Jordan wore no belt. He
had a heck of a time running. One time,
when he was running for the bus, his pants fell down past his knees, which
caused him to trip. Covered in snow and embarrassed in front of the laughing kids,
he got on the bus, pulling his pants up as he went. He began wearing a belt after that.
It is not
uncommon to see males reveal almost all of their boxers and think nothing of
it. Countless females wear jeans or
skirts low enough to reveal the fact that they are wearing thongs, with tops so
low-cut or sheer material, not much is left to the imagination. Morality declines further, promiscuity is the
norm. Pregnancies and sex crimes
increase.
Deceived by a Christian Friend
Before I took sick, Lillith came to my
house unexpectedly one evening after work.
It was easy to see that she was upset.
When she sat down, she began weeping so profusely that I had to get a
box of Kleenex, so she could wipe away her tears and snot. She had a vision that she felt was from the
Lord, yet she could not speak to anyone about it.
I had known
Lillith for eight years by that time.
She was my friend and I loved her; I wanted to comfort her, yet I did
not know what was crushing her spirit.
She told me that the Lord would have to reveal it to me and if He did,
she would then discuss it with me.
It was more
a matter of guessing as we conversed, rather than the Lord directly telling
me. She gave clues in her
conversation. I do remember asking the
Lord to help me to help her. I believe
the Lord did give me insight and wisdom from the clues she was dropping.
Finally, I
said to her that her vision was regarding her true spiritual husband. Ted was a new convert. He had given his life over to have Jesus rule
over him. She wanted prayer that her earthly
husband (Ted) would be taken home ‘quickly’.
He went out for drives on Sundays in his 1969 white Corvette. If the Lord would only allow him to have a
car accident and take him before he suffered, she would be glad he was with
Jesus.
She also
wanted prayer that her three children (two grown sons, aged 29 and 32, and her handicapped
daughter *Kelly 26, the one pastor kept comparing me with). Lillith’s desire was that the children would
quickly ‘get over’ the death of their biological father and accept their new
‘father’.
At this
point, I asked her who the man was that she believed was to be her husband. She told me it was a man who worked at the
same company as her. She further stated
that if the Lord told me who it was, she would share more of the vision with
me.
There was
one man she consistently brought up in conversations over the past couple of
years. I gave his name. Lillith was convinced the Lord had told me,
but the truth was that it was an educated guess, given our past conversations.
Lillith
shared that her ‘true’ spiritual husband was a divorced man. She was convinced that *Doug would soon marry
her. She had considered divorcing Ted,
but changed her mind, believing that it was better if he died, to keep her from
the shame of divorce.
Ted had
always been a good husband, hard worker and dedicated family man. When Lillith went to Africa (Lagos, Nigeria
and Rwanda), as well as to Jamaica and the Bronx in New York City, Ted was
supportive of Lillith, even before he came to the Lord.
Lillith’s
tears had subsided by that point. She
could not speak with her brother about it (he operated in all five ministries). I told her that I liked Ted and that I could
not pray for his death; it did not seem right.
She said she understood, but asked if I would pray about her vision.
I did say
that I would pray about it, but I did not know what I would pray. It seemed wrong. Why would the Lord give a ‘true spiritual
husband’ to a woman who had been married to a man for nearly 35 years, a man
who had been a good husband to her and fine father to his children? He was also a man who followed Jesus now.
I loved my
friend, but this was a tough request.
She hugged me and said that she had to go. I walked her to her van. She leaned out her window and handed me $40. I asked her what it was for. She said, ‘The Lord told me to give it to you.’ I was so grateful because I did not have a
penny to my name. I never told Lillith
that, so I felt that the Lord must have moved on her heart.
The next
day, Lillith called me. In the
conversation, she mentioned that her brother asked her if she had ‘paid the seer’ and she said yes. I was shocked and horrified. ‘You
don’t pay someone to pray!’ She said
that there were examples in the bible where people paid the prophet.
If I had
known the bible better at that time, I could have challenged that
statement. Instead, I told her that if I
had known, I would never have taken the money.
She laughed and said that she knew that.
After she hung up, I repented to the Lord, but the truth was that my
friend had deceived me, knowing where I stood on these things.
Heal the sick, cleanse the lepers,
raise the dead, cast out devils: freely ye have received, freely give. [Mat
10:8]
That day my
friend had truly hurt me, but she did not see it.
Chased by a Demon
One day
Lillith called me from work, asking me to entreat the Lord on her behalf. She had been making this same request for countless
years now. Whether it was because I was
still not well, or whether the Lord strengthened me, I do not know, but boldness
rose up in me.
I told her that
she needed to go to the Lord herself and that she could not depend on me all
the time to seek the Lord for her. ‘He wants a relationship with you personally
Lillith.’ I told her she needed to
get alone with Him.
She tried
to explain how busy she was with work and how she was selling houses on the
side, on her own time. She was also very
involved with her grandchildren. I
cannot remember my words, but I know I really pushed the fact that she had to
put the Lord first.
Finally,
with a new tone, she agreed. She was
going to call a friend who had a cabin on much land, in the middle of
nowhere. She would go for a weekend and
seek the Lord. She had a vision that she
was sure was from the Lord and she needed Him to speak more to her about it.
The
following weekend she called me from her cell, as she was driving to the
cabin. Her friend had freshened up the
place for her to use for the weekend, where she could seek the Lord undisturbed. She said that she was going to shut off her
cell phone, so that no one could call and interrupt her time.
A few hours
later, Lillith called me extremely frightened.
She had been sitting up on the bed, reading her bible and getting ready
to speak with the Lord, when she heard a loud bang. Then she saw a demon coming through the wall
of the cabin and heading right towards her.
She grabbed
her cell phone, purse and overnight bags and literally ran out of the
cabin. She was so frightened that she
dropped her keys on the ground, retrieved them and took off out of there like a
bat out of hell. I told her she fell for
the illusion and mentioned resisting the devil.
Satan did not want her hearing from God and assigned a demon to
attack.
Submit yourselves therefore to God
(Yhwh). Resist the devil, and he will
flee from you. [Jam 4:7]
I felt
badly for her. She had taken a step of
faith, but a spirit of fear defeated her.
I prayed for her, but can’t remember what. She was still shaken and was trying to drive
(the cabin was a couple of hours away), so she ended the call. I was not well. Lillith’s report shocked me.
I was questioning many things, but I pushed
much away. For an indefinite time, I had
been asking the Lord to heal me. I could
not be an effective witness for the Lord, not in the condition I had been in.
A Step of Faith
When I was
crying out to the Lord one day for healing, I was sure I heard Him say, ‘It is not healing that you need in this, it
is deliverance.’ He told me to come
off the pills, all 36 of them and he would help me. I was very afraid. I had been on prescribed medication for 11 years.
Was I not
mentally ill? In fact, the doctors could
not even agree on what label to give me, so diverse were my symptoms. It had begun as chronic anxiety and severe
depression, then I was supposedly bipolar; then I was borderline personality
disorder; then it was possible schizophrenia.
None of the psychiatrists could agree.
When my
license was revoked and I required the hospitalization for the serotonin
poisoning, the attending psychiatrist at the hospital refused to see me. Therefore, Dr. Lanski had to order my
hospital stay, which meant for the first time, I had been ‘certified’ as
mentally ill.
The reason
the psychiatrist had refused (a French doctor) was because I had been in the
hospital only a week earlier. When he
interviewed me, I had told him that the biggest problem with most mentally ill
people was likely unforgiveness. (He was
a proud Frenchman and an unbeliever. I
surely could not discuss demons.)
I am unsure
what I said, but he was so impressed that he released me from the
hospital. Then only days later, my
doctor was requesting my stay in the psychiatric ward to detoxify me.
The French
doctor felt that I was playing games and refused my admittance. That is why Dr. Lanski had to override his
refusal with a formal certification, which meant that no psychiatric ward could
refuse me.
After six
months, my license was reinstated. As
unsure as I was that I was truly hearing from the Lord, I took a step of faith
and made an appointment with Dr. Lanski. I did not tell him what I was up to because
I knew that he would try and talk me out of it.
When Josie
saw him once, she was naturally upset about being in foster care (when I had
the double pneumonia). She saw him the
day before they were returned to me. She
was sitting at the kitchen table, telling me about her doctor visit, when she
pulled out a bottle of prescription anti-depressants.
I grabbed
the bottle out of her hand so fast that I surprised myself. I ran upstairs and flushed them down the
toilet. When I came back down, I asked
her if she had taken any. She said no,
as she had just had the prescription filled that morning.
I told her
that what she was going through were normal emotions, given the circumstances
and that she did not need the pills. I
did not want her to end up like me, I stated.
There was a thick silence.
Then Josie
started laughing. “You grabbed those pills out of my hands so fast…like a mad mama
bear!” That made Sarah and Jordan
laugh. Josie never went on prescription
medicine. The laughter ended the matter
and it was never reconsidered.
Then in
2003, when Jordan went to see the doctor for a checkup, the doctor said that he
was bipolar and prescribed Lithium. His
reasoning was that if Jordan’s moods were stabilized, he would quit getting
suspended for fights at school. For one
week, I believed fell for the lie.
Then Jordan
began complaining about the pills and I did not force him to take them. It was shortly after that that I became ill
from the serotonin poisoning. Dr. Lanski
had tried to get two of my three children on pills. The Lord put a stop to it, I am convinced.
So, I told
Dr. Lanski that I needed to see a psychiatrist about my ‘condition’, to see if
the 36 pills per day could be diminished in any way. Dr. Lanski gave me a piece of paper with the
name and phone number of a psychiatrist.
He did not know what he was like, he stated, as the doctor was new, but
he had heard that he was good at what he does.
The Psychiatrist God Sent
My
appointment with Dr. Mike was booked within a week. He listened carefully to all I had to say,
writing down key points. He made a
strange face when I said that the doctor told me that I had an allergic
reaction to the medications, but I was so up and down that the psychiatrist did
not want to take me. Landski had me certified
so that the hospital could detoxify me.
He said, ‘An allergic reaction would not last 6 months,
if you were off the medicine.’ ‘Would serotonin poisoning?’ He stated that serotonin poisoning is usually
cleared up quickly during hospitalization, but he kept writing furiously.
He kept asking questions and I kept
answering. After about
an hour, he told me that he was going to get all my records, right from the
beginning in 1993. He was going to go
over them before he made any recommendations.
He wanted to study the records. I
booked an appointment for a visit in two months.
As I drove
home, I pondered what he had said about never seeing a patient out of hospital,
trying to look after a family alone, on 36 pills per day. He added that in his career, he had not yet
seen a patient on that many pills for a ‘bipolar’ disorder and still function
properly, period!
When I had
told him about the specialist that came into Dr. Lanski’s office to see
patients, I had been told I had Lupus. When
I had asked the specialist (an Asian man) what lupus was, he defined it as: ‘when so much is wrong with your body that no
one knows what is wrong or how to cure it’.
Dr. Mike
asked how long ago it was and I stated about a year previously. He said that it was likely triggered by
medication. He asked if I had been
antibiotics (I had been for double pneumonia).
He said it was possibly caused by that if I had it, which would have
cleared up once the medication was stopped.
Medical Guinea Pig
When I
revisited Dr. Mike, he said that he had been successful in attaining my medical
records, but he was only partway through them.
I had been pressing into the Lord due to the tense atmosphere in my
home. The Lord had made it clear that He
was instructing me to come off all medication.
When I
asked Dr. Mike if I could quit, he said that I should sign up on the waiting
list for a hospital in Whitby, whose staff would help me through the withdrawal
symptoms. I was on six different kinds
of prescription drugs.
He said
that four kinds of medication would be easy to come off, but two kinds were
highly addictive. Out of the 36 pills
per day, these two kinds of medication added up to 16 pills per day.
He said
that I should not try to come off the addictive medication without
hospitalization because of erratic mood swings such as acute anxiety, severe
agitation, hot-cold sweats, panic attacks, confusion, depression, suicidal
tendencies, bizarre sleeping patterns and more.
Unfortunately,
the waiting list for the hospital was a year long, plus I would have to be in
the hospital 3-6 months. I told him that
I had no relatives or anyone to look after my son for that length of time, so
it was really not an option.
Dr. Mike
had me book an appointment after the Christmas holidays, at the end of February
because he would be away until the beginning of that month. He strongly advised
against going it alone with the withdrawals.
He said that we would discuss it further when he saw me next.
Since
Christmas was just two days away, I decided that I would go begin sometime in
the new year. I knew I had to pray to
see what the Lord would say. I was
terribly afraid. I was not 100% convinced that I was not mentally ill.
After all, I had been repeatedly told that I
had some kind of disorder for 11 years.
If I was going to come off all the pills forever, it had to be the
Lord’s will and if it was, I was going to need His help in a desperate
way.
Further Humbling
I do not
remember much of that Christmas, except that no one helped me decorate. There was no excitement around the house as
there had been in times past. Sarah and
Jordan had mellowed for a time period and the peace was much needed.
Josie had come to visit with ‘Pitchfork’, but
they were going over to his mother’s place, so they did not stay too long. I knew her boyfriend did not like me.
I had
invited Sandy and her husband for Christmas dinner, but I did not remember inviting
them. When they showed up, I was panicky
and upset because I had not started cooking the turkey. I could not find the turkey that I had been
given by Salvation Army.
Sandy went
to the big freezer out on the porch and calmly pulled out the turkey. Together, we prepared a dinner. That is about all I remember of that
Christmas. I only remembered the turkey story
because Sandy told me about it several months later, or else I would not have
even remembered that.
Crucify the Flesh
I continued
to pray and never told anyone about my intentions to quit. I understood that quitting the pills meant
crucifying the flesh. The Holy Spirit
had led me to scriptures that clarified the matter.
And He
(Jesus/Y’shua) began to teach them, that the Son of man must suffer many
things, and be rejected of the elders, and of the chief priests, and scribes, and be killed, and after
three days rise again.
And He
spoke that saying openly. And Peter took Him, and began to rebuke Him.
But when
He had turned about and looked on His disciples, He rebuked Peter, saying, Get thee behind me, Satan: for you savour not the things that be of God, but the things
that be of men.
And when
He had called the people unto
Him with His disciples also, He said unto them, Whosoever
will come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me.
For whosoever will save his life shall lose it; but whosoever
shall lose his life for my sake and the gospel's, the same shall save it.
For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world,
and lose his own soul?
Or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul?
Whosoever therefore shall be ashamed of Me and of My words
in this adulterous and sinful generation; of him also shall the
Son of man be ashamed, when He comes in the glory of His Father with the
holy angels.
[Mk 8:31-38]
Righteous Judgment
I had been on medication for 11 years and it had been at
that time also that I had lost the children.
I had married Wallace even though the Lord showed me that he was not my
husband. I had been proud of the fact
that I had gotten married and had 3 children, after a little over 9 years of
believing that I could not get pregnant, after Nicole died.
One thing I remember to this day was that I was having a
particularly difficult and stressful time with Wallace and the needs of three
young children. I vividly remember
complaining to the Lord that Wallace was no help with the children at all, but
an added burden. “I need a break, Lord!” I had
grumbled. Those were words that I would never forget and never repeat!
It was a very short time later that I ended up in the
hospital and another short time after the hospital admission that I lost the 3
children for seven years. For seven
years I lost the children and was fighting for custody in the family
courts. Then for four more years, I was
in the criminal courts (which made it 11 years in the court system), with a
form of ‘mad’ running parallel, as doctors constantly changed my medication.
Nebuchadnezzar came
to mind and I searched for the story.
The king
spoke, and said, Is not this great Babylon, that I have built for the house of
the kingdom by the might of my power,
and for the honour of my
majesty? (pride)
While the
word was in the
king's mouth, there fell a voice from heaven, saying, O king Nebuchadnezzar, to you it is
spoken; The kingdom is departed from you.
And they
shall drive you from men, and your dwelling shall be with the beasts of the field: they
shall make you to eat grass as oxen, and seven
times shall pass over you, until you know that the most High rules in the kingdom of men, and gives it to whomsoever
He will.
The same
hour was the thing fulfilled upon Nebuchadnezzar: and he was driven from men,
and did eat grass as oxen, and his body was wet with the dew of heaven, till
his hairs were grown like eagles' feathers, and his nails like birds' claws.
And at
the end of the days I Nebuchadnezzar lifted up my eyes unto heaven, and my understanding returned unto me,
and I blessed the most High,
and I praised and honoured Him that lives forever, whose dominion is an everlasting
dominion, and His kingdom is from generation to
generation: [Dan
4:30-34]
Although I
had read the story of Nebuchadnezzar before, this time when I read it, my
understanding came to me and I wept. All
that had happened to me, I had deserved, not only for unbelief towards the vision, but rebellion against the Lord’s will, ending in pride when I had the three
children.
Seven(7) - is of course Spiritual perfection and so
adequately represents the holy Spirit itself. But seven is also the seal of
God, He stamped His aproval of the creation by resting on the seventh day.
Seven
(7) - the great number of
spiritual perfection
Source:
Eleven (11)
- disorder,
disorganization, imperfection, and disintegration
My heart
was filled with genuine repentance and godly sorrow. The first week of January, 2004, I quit 20 of
the medications, flushing what remained down the toilet. At the end of January, I quit diazepam (a
benzodiazepine drug/psychotropic) cold turkey.
Another Judgment Ends
The third
day after quitting the diazepam, I was booked for more radiotherapy with the oncologist. He was supposed to be retiring. On the day he booked my surgery, I asked him
why he had not retired. His profound
statement was, “My wife has become
accustomed to a certain style of living.
I have to keep working to keep her in the class she is used to.”
I had
pondered his statement many times. When
I was awaiting the anesthesiologist, the oncologist came to see me briefly. Whether it was due to withdrawal from the
diazepam or the thought of more surgery, I do not know, but as I began to ask
the doctor if this would be the last surgery, I broke down.
“Dr.
Silver in BC said that this type of skin cancer was detected early (right after
the birth of my son). He said that as a
result of early detection, one treatment would be all I needed.”
“I have had to have radiation every
year for 13 years, sometimes twice a year!
When is this going to end?
Whether this surgery works or not, I’m not getting more radiation after
this!” The oncologist was a tall, stocky man in his
mid to late 60s. After a long look at me
and a review of my chart, he said, “Let’s
see if we can get it all this time, shall we?”
Suffice it
to say that when I went for follow-up a month later, he said, “We got it all this time. No more treatments!” I was ecstatic. “Thirteen years! It’s over. Thank you for healing me, doctor.” He started laughing. “What’s
so funny?” In a playful, but mocking
tone, he retorted, “Oh thank you for
curing me doctor! It only took you 13
years!”
I laughed
at the time, but I gave it more thought.
His wife was used to a certain lifestyle (high end). He had kept me returning for treatments for
13 years. When I finally stated ‘enough’,
suddenly he ‘gets it all’.
To this day,
I cannot help but to wonder if during all the previous surgeries, if he did not
leave just enough skin cancer behind so that it would again spread and require
more surgery.
I learned
the hard way that the medical field has become as corrupted as the rest of the
world. It is a business and it is all
about the money. There are still good
medical people around, who are in the profession because they genuinely desire
to help people, but like the true believers, they are few and far between.
Thirteen
(13): rebellion
The website
used E.W. Bullinger’s words: "Unfortunately, those who go backwards
to find a reason seldom go back far enough. The popular explanations do not, so
far as we are aware, go further back than the Apostles. But we must go back to
the first occurrence of the number thirteen in order to discover the key to its
significance. It occurs first in Gen. xiv. 4, where we read 'Twelve years they
served Chedorlaomer, and the thirteenth year they REBELLED.”
Parental Control
Both Sarah
and Jordon chatted on MSN messenger to their friends daily. I sometimes wondered if Jordan was into
porno, as he often hurriedly closed a webpage when I entered the room. That kind of behavior always aroused
suspicion. When asked what he was doing,
he would say, ‘just surfin’.
Lillith had
told me that there was a way to see what the children were saying on MSN. I told her that I was not sure that was a
good idea. She said that a majority of
parents monitored their children’s activities, but I wondered if it was not
infringing on their privacy. She explained
that parental control was even made accessible by servers and programs
alike. It was not unusual to protect
children online.
She told me
that she learned what her children were up to by her ‘hacking’ into the MSN
chat that they used. She told me how to
go about it. It took a few days, but one
night when they were in bed, I checked it out.
There was not much except youthful chatter.
Rebellion
When I had
quit the second addictive pill, Seroxat, I entered into a spiral. Confusion, emotional turbulence, anxiety, everything
seemed to come against me. About a week
after quitting all meds, I went on the computer once again to see what the
children had been saying.
To my
shame, my daughter was calling me every name in the book to her friends,
telling them how she planned to leave after school ended in a few months. I closed the page, as I could not bear to
read any more of her hatred.
Meanwhile,
when I read Jordan’s chat, he was planning to run away and marry a girl. Run away?
He was only 12 years old, almost 13.
I shut off the computer and began weeping to the Lord. It was all so overwhelming. I had fought so hard for the children; the
Lord had returned them to me as He promised.
All hell was breaking loose! Lord, what happened?! I screamed, as I wept.
In that
still, small voice, I heard the word, ‘Rebellion.’ I was undone and fell upon my knees. ‘Lord,
I have repented. Has my punishment not
been enough? I’m not gonna make it Lord!’ He said,
“Your children are in rebellion…”
This know also, that in the last days perilous times shall come. For men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy,
Without natural affection, trucebreakers, false accusers, incontinent, fierce, despisers of those that are good, Traitors, heady, highminded, lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God; [2Tim 3:1-4]
My thoughts
became more confused, as I felt that I was being punished more. "I dedicated them to you when they were all one week old."
“Hold
your place in this fire. I am with
you! It is your cross to bear!” I wrote it down, but my writing was barely
legible. All I could do was scream at
the top of my lungs and pound the floor.
“I can’t do this Lord…I can’t do
this!” and beat the bare floor with my fist as I wept, screaming like a mad
woman, knowing that I was alone and needing my angst to exit me. "Why have I had to do everything ALONE all my life?!"
“Why are you going to let all my children
leave me? Why must I lose them again? What have I done now? Am I not obeying You?!” I wrote madly. I tried to tear the book in half, but it was
too thick. I threw it.
I screamed more and held my head. “I can’t
do this!” I kept screaming. I threw my coffee cup, spilling the contents
before it smashed on the floor in pieces.
I banged the floor more. “It’s not deliverance Lord! It’s insanity!”
(Again...) “Hold
your place in this fire. I am with
you! It is your cross to bear!”
I cried
until I could not cry anymore. I wanted
just one pill to calm me down, but I had flushed them all down the toilet. I fell to my knees again and buried my face
in the loveseat cushion, apologizing to the Lord, telling Him I needed Him, His
strength…begging forgiveness. The rest
of the day escapes me.
Withdrawals Combined with Fear
Both of the
children had attitude. Gayle picked
Sarah up the next morning. Jordan was up
early and he went on the computer. I
tried to get him to eat, but he said he was not hungry. I could not force him. Most of the morning is a blur, up until the
time I went upstairs to tell him his bus was going to be coming soon.
He had put
on a one-piece coverall (which he had worn to pile bales of hay when he was
helping the landlord). It was February
in Ontario and still cold. Snow was
still on the ground. I remembered his
MSN convo about running away to get married.
I knew my
son. Putting on farmer’s clothes was not
‘cool’. He always had to dress ‘cool’,
even if it meant he was ridiculously cold.
All my alarms went off. I panicked. Fear gripped me and the intensity of
withdrawals was overpowering me. The
zipper of the one-piece suit went up to the neck. I reached to undo the zipper, demanding that
he take the farmer coveralls off.
He told me
to ‘f* off’, asking if I was crazy.
Finally, I let him know that I knew that he planned to run away to get
married. He freaked out, knowing that I
had read his MSN chat. ‘Wtf mom, you reading my stuff? F* off!’
He slipped past me and ran downstairs, still with the farmers’ coveralls
on. “I’m
not letting you run away Jordan! You’re
12 years old!”
I ran
downstairs after him, demanding that he take the coveralls off. He turned and pushed me. Caught off-guard and in the heat of
withdrawals, I fell backwards and my back hit the century-old hardwood
windowsill. A surge of pain went through
me and I cried out.
Jordan
stopped and looked shocked. In that
moment, I knew that he had never intended to hurt me. However, I was still afraid that if he left, he
would run away. When he saw that I was
starting to get back up, he realized I was alright and he started to take off
out the door, grabbing his backpack as he ran.
I grabbed
the backpack and he lost grip of it. I
stood there with the backpack in my hands, as he raced out the door. My brain froze temporarily. For a few moments I just stood there,
wondering what had just happened. Then I
realized that Jordan had dashed out the door, as I shook myself from my stupor.
Hedges
lined the driveway, but it made a sharp bend about 50 feet from the
garage. I could not find my shoes. There was no time, so I ran barefoot out into
the snow to go after my son. I had to
stop him from running away! When I got
to the bend in the driveway and looked up the long lane, there was no sign of
Jordan.
Confusion
completely enveloped me. How long had I
stood there holding his backpack? Surely
I had not stood there long, but how could he have run so fast? Still in bare feet in the snow, I ran up the
rest of the lane to the country road.
Looking in both directions, I still could see no sign of him. Impossible, I thought.
In one
direction, I could see to the next concession, as it was a clear view
downhill. However, in the other
direction, I could not see past the crest of the hill. ‘Maybe
he is over the hill.’ I reasoned,
since he was not seen the other way. I
ran up the road in my bare feet. There
was hardly ever any traffic on the paved road, as we were country living.
There was
no sign of him anywhere. I stood at the
top of the hill, out of breath, bewildered and in my bare feet. I had suddenly become aware that I had no
shoes or socks on. My feet felt like
they were freezing. I ran back to the
house.
Fear and Confusion
There was
no one I could call to help me and I could not think. All my faculties were out of whack. I had quit all 36 pills, but the last 16
were the addictive kind. I was in
serious withdrawals. I paced and paced,
not knowing what to do. What if my son
had run into the woods? What if one of
the coyotes got him or some pedophile cruising the country roads nabbed him?
How long I
paced and paced, I do not know. Police! If I called the police, they could tell me
what to do. A car was sent around and a
young officer arrived. I remember
telling him that I thought my son was going to run away and even how I found
out that information. He asked why he
would run away, to which I told him that he planned to marry some girl.
He flatly
stated that no one would marry a 12 year old.
I said that I knew that. My
concern was about him running away. I
told him about the struggle, laid it all out just as it happened. I even mentioned how he had pushed me and my
back had hit the window ledge hard.
He asked me
if I had called the school to see if he was there. I had not even thought of it. The principal answered and said that Jordan
was there. Very coldly, the officer said
that he would go pick him up, bring him back home and then I could let him know
if I wanted to charge him or not. Then,
he left.
I walked
over to the desk where the computer was and stood there staring at the wood on
the desktop. I had not even considered
charges. What was I to do? All time seemed to stop. All thoughts in my mind seemed to be frozen
in time as well.
Before I
knew it, the police officer was back, with Jordan sitting in the back
seat. I was still standing at the desk,
staring at the wood. Not one thought had
moved through my mind. It was a 20
minute drive to the school, a 40 minute round trip. Had I stood there at the desk that for 40
minutes, just staring at the desktop, without a thought? Surely it only felt like a few minutes!
I saw the
officer exiting the car. “Oh God, what do I do? What do I do Lord?” I thought of all the fights Jordan had been
in at school. I thought of the times he
was suspended for those fights, when warnings failed. I did not want him to walk in his father’s
footsteps, becoming a brawler.
What if he
grew up and believed that it was okay to hit women or push them around, hurting
them? The officer was at the door. “Lord
please, what do I do?” I thought I
heard a soft voice say, ‘Arrest him.” “Lord,
I want to help him…what do I do? I never even thought of busting him; I just don’t
want him to run away.” Again, I
heard, ‘Arrest him.’
I opened
the door. With the same cold, unfriendly
face, the young officer said, “Well, you
want him charged with assault?”
“Yes, arrest him. When
will he be released?” I asked. The officer turned to walk back to his car,
muttering, “I will call you when he’s
been to court.” I went to the window
to look at my son. The anger on his face
was hard to miss.
My heart
ached. “Lord, was that you? Should I
have him arrested? Oh my God, was that
you or was that me? Please Lord…” I was met with silence, as I watched the
police car make the bend in the driveway.
I ran upstairs to the front bedroom and watched the car until I could
not see it any longer.
‘My God, what have I done? I thought I heard you Lord.’ Then I said to myself, ‘I thought I heard the Lord say arrest him.’ Then looking up, I said, ‘Was that you Lord or was that me?’
I could hear nothing except me talking
nonsensically to myself, trying to convince myself that I had done the right
thing. He would learn that it’s not okay
to hurt women.
I sat on
the couch for hours, staring at the phone, but the officer never called. I cannot remember exactly how it all went
down, but my son had been taken over to juvenile court. No one had called me to tell me that he was
going to court. The judge was not
impressed that no parent was in court on behalf of the juvenile.
Jordan was
released on his own recognizance. The
CAS was alerted when no parent showed up.
Things were about to get ugly and I had to stay on my cross. All I could do now was to hold fast to the
Lord.
There was no one else to hold
onto. Deep within I was crying out, "Please don't let go of me Lord!"
for His
glory
Bonita Petroff dovesofthevalleys4@gmail.com
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